HIATUS

I'm currently busy now. A very tight schedule. I have no time waste on my off days. 2 days of work, 1 day of rest. I can't waste that 24 hours. I have to spend time with her. Yeap, we're back. Not officially but sooner or later we will be back again. On and off relationship. Well, I can't go on a day without her. Its just too lonely. I'm trying every way I can to make her trust that things will be okay. I have to find a way to open her heart again. I got rejected today. Well, I didn't sound serious to her. Its hard for me to talk about it on front of her, I have no self-confidence.

I'll be back with more post. I'll be back with more stories on how things are coming into place. There's ups and downs but fuck my feelings. Pain is just temporary. For now, all I can do is make a note on my phone and post it whenever I'm free.

"YOU ARE THE BEST THING THAT'S EVER BEEN MINE"

Until when Nur Erna Kuzirah?

I just don't know now. Seems like she doesn't need me anymore. I've been replaced. Damn.

Last night I got myself thinking that I had hurt to the limit that she couldn't take it any longer. But that's not fair. I'm not giving up no matter how hard this is. I'm not giving up no matter how painful this is. I've stayed when there's so many reasons for me to leave. I never wanted things to end.

"Been waiting actually, but nvm". That's what she tweeted last night. Yes, she did blocked me but I found a way. I'm using Zuhairi's account, still am. So I can view all of her tweets. I just want to know how she's doing. That tweet got me thinking, "Was she waiting for my call?" I couldn't control the temptation. I miss her too much.

"She misses me. She waited for my call". That was on my mind the whole night. That got me sleeping soundly.

She replied me at 10am. She went to her class BBQ. Didn't want to think negatively. I need to watch how my tone of text and not to be annoying so everything would go smoothly. And again, I was treated the same. Until when will you stop your ego my dear? She said that tweet wasn't for me. Then who else could it be? No, she's not moved on yet. I know that was for me.

She changed the subject about her results. She didn't know how to check them and thus she asked, I acted like I knew but on the other side, I was asking some friends. I need to keep the conversation going. But it didn't go so well. She ended fast.

I was curious about that tweet. Who else could it be except me? There couldn't be any guy in her life. It must be me. Was she waiting for my call? Did she miss me yet? Couldn't control myself, I had to ask. And the reply hit me hard to the ground......

"Can you stop asking me questions??!! I'm stressed about my results and there you are asking me stupid not important quuest!!"

My Prayers

The anger explodes. I couldn't handle the pressure any longer. Nobody understands cause nobody will even care. They acted like as if they would be there but in fact, nobody was.

"Cursed when he is alive. Blessing when he dies" printed on my right arm. I never regretted doing that. No matter how pain it was, it was worth it. It has this strong meaning that I could relate to.

I have gone through a lot of please let me rest in peace, dear God. Take my soul away, I can't take anymore of this. I choose you to take my soul rather than me hanging myself or jumping off the roof. I don't want anybody to know I'm this depressed. I don't want anybody to feel guilty at what they've done to me. I just want to go in peace.

Tell me.

"If you're reading this, I miss everything about you."

Tell me how to be cool when the one you love wants to be alone. Tell me how to be cool whenever you tried your very best to talk things out, she doesn't want to hear it. Tell me how to be cool when you can't do anything to change their mind. I don't want to give up. I'm not going to.

Tunnel Vision

They say count sheep if you can't sleep. I tried every way to get my brain to stop functioning for a few hours. Popped a few pills to make me a lil drowsy. I had to wait for a few hours to feel the effect. I though could sleep in peace. It didn't work though.

I almost fainted during my VOC test. Some kind of army obstacles that you have to go through in this 2 years. My vision was blurred. All I could see was just a small circle in front of me and the sides of it were just totally blurred out. I pushed myself. I've been labeled a weakling in this unit. UNTIL WHEN THIS STOPS?!! I can't stop. I need to carry on. I need to fight this thing. Living in suffer, yeap I am.

SO this is the day I make the move. Tying to get her back again. I miss everything about her. I just can't get the fact that I didn't make any impact in her life like how she did. She refuses to calm down and admit her mistakes. Her ego is as big as a dinosaur. But this time, I couldn't tell its ego or not. I did my best, everything that I could. Yes it hurts real bad. I need to keep my head up high.

"Don't give up on the one you love"

Life.

I'm different now. I'm different from any other guys out there. I was raised differently. I don't hang around with friends yknow. I don't mix well with friends either. I don't have a life. I'm the guy who you thinks I'm attention seeking idiotic worthless guy. Well at least I deserve some attention.

I grew up with books, pencil, papers, dictionaries, encyclopedia. I don't go to playgrounds and have fun with other kids down the block. My life was simple. Study and have good grades. I have to compete with the other cousins or mine. I don't have a childhood enough said. At least some of you have those family bonding. The only time when I get to watch tv was when hi-5, Power Ranger and Batman was on. Weekends I rarely watch tv. My childhood has no cartoons. Dad didn't like them. I was controlled until I'm used to being alone. I do have friends in school but no close ones. I went back home straight after school. Homework, homework, study. That's all. I was raised this way. That was primary school.

Entering teenage life, yet again controlled. I was forced to take a school which is far from my primary school friends. Dad said my friends are not good for me. It wasn't hard living without friends around. Shit, I was used to it. So that's how I learnt not to mix with anyone. I learnt to be independent. But to think about it, it sucks yknow. I don't have a social life, I don't know what is life. Honestly, life in school was so much hell. Bullied cause I was too kind, too nice. Nobody knows the real me. All they did was calling me names. So I "changed" to blend in. I tried making friends. I survived those battles. I only made friends that I could talk to and laugh in school.

Sometimes I wonder why mom and dad raised me this way. Raised me differently from my brother.

If you could, save me from this misery.

Unsolved.

So here I am again. If anyone reading this is wondering why do I always blog about all of this, its cause I have nobody to talk to. Everyone judge. Yes, I take it personally. I'm not an average guy you see walking down the road (I wish I am though). I'm sensitive. Same level as a girl (maybe lower). Sometimes it gets me thinking whether was I raised up by my parents this way. I need someone to understand my situation. I just need someone. Don't just come and go like others do. I need a listening ear. I need someone who I can trust.

I don't want anyone to think negatively about anything. Like for an example, if I share my problems with my friends, they'd go, "Dan, you deserve better" or "It won't last" or worst, "Its better if you move on". Those words makes me think that nobody likes who I love. I want people to stop judging and just listen to what problems I have. Is that too much to ask for?

Things went out of hands. To say, history is about to repeat itself. How does it feel like to love someone more than life itself but that person just gave up on you? Hurts doesn't it? We both make mistakes and I admit my part. But its hard when I can't tell her what she did wrong. She has the tendency to take everything in a different way. Then everything would go out of hand. I begged her to stay. I was there, right in front of her trying to convince her to stop her ego. She insisted us to end. They say hug the girl when she pushes you away, kiss her when she's mad. Yes, I did it. Whenever I try to kiss or hug her, she pushed me away. I tried my very best. All I could do was just forcefully pull her close for a kiss and I walked away. Never looking back. I don't want her to see the pain.

 Don't judge her in any way cause I know she didn't mean it. She can't think straight when she's angry. That's the way she is.

The thing is she gave her contact to a guy who wants to get to know her. Why? I can't understand it either. Now I have no idea if she's still contacting with that idiot. I have no control over it. Things are gonna change to how it was again. Its beyond my control. I really want this to last. We've planned for the future. This may sound like those immature kids thinking about marriage at a young age but hell no. I am serious

Life Has Been Amazing.... NOT!

So I'm back to blogger. Realized that I have nobody else to turn to, nobody else I can share my problems with. Not even one soul is there for me when i needed them. Friends? I don't have them honestly. Lost a lot of school friends. Maybe its cause of my fucking attitude. But its unfair that everyone has at least a friend to turn to, a bestfriend. Or maybe I was born to be alone.

Parents have issues again. The same kind years ago. That year when I had one of the most important exams in my life. Mom has been complaining to me about it. I choose not to listen cause it really affects my mood, behavior. But it doesn't stop. Its hard.

"Girlfriend". I thought she'd care like how i do. Love me like how I do. 3 years is long enough for anyone to know how faithful and loyal I am. Yes, she's the same girl that I'm talking about. Nur Erna Kuzirah binte Azman. For 3 years I haven't been able to fall for an other. It feels weird to be with another. So I watched her from far. Seeing her with other guys hurts but I know she's happy. It always breaks apart of me and I know I had to let go. But I choose not to. Every single day I had to do something to get her back. I made so much effort but she chose him over me. Too little too late, I know. The amazing thing that happen was when she said she misses me. And just like that I accepted her back. It was so easy of me to accept the pain that she caused me. It wasn't the first time that this happens but the third. Tell me where can you find someone so attached like me? Was she grateful enough that I love her this much? No.

Its tough being me. Everyone has their own problems but I'd rather change lives with those living in Africa.