HIATUS

I'm currently busy now. A very tight schedule. I have no time waste on my off days. 2 days of work, 1 day of rest. I can't waste that 24 hours. I have to spend time with her. Yeap, we're back. Not officially but sooner or later we will be back again. On and off relationship. Well, I can't go on a day without her. Its just too lonely. I'm trying every way I can to make her trust that things will be okay. I have to find a way to open her heart again. I got rejected today. Well, I didn't sound serious to her. Its hard for me to talk about it on front of her, I have no self-confidence.

I'll be back with more post. I'll be back with more stories on how things are coming into place. There's ups and downs but fuck my feelings. Pain is just temporary. For now, all I can do is make a note on my phone and post it whenever I'm free.

"YOU ARE THE BEST THING THAT'S EVER BEEN MINE"

Until when Nur Erna Kuzirah?

I just don't know now. Seems like she doesn't need me anymore. I've been replaced. Damn.

Last night I got myself thinking that I had hurt to the limit that she couldn't take it any longer. But that's not fair. I'm not giving up no matter how hard this is. I'm not giving up no matter how painful this is. I've stayed when there's so many reasons for me to leave. I never wanted things to end.

"Been waiting actually, but nvm". That's what she tweeted last night. Yes, she did blocked me but I found a way. I'm using Zuhairi's account, still am. So I can view all of her tweets. I just want to know how she's doing. That tweet got me thinking, "Was she waiting for my call?" I couldn't control the temptation. I miss her too much.

"She misses me. She waited for my call". That was on my mind the whole night. That got me sleeping soundly.

She replied me at 10am. She went to her class BBQ. Didn't want to think negatively. I need to watch how my tone of text and not to be annoying so everything would go smoothly. And again, I was treated the same. Until when will you stop your ego my dear? She said that tweet wasn't for me. Then who else could it be? No, she's not moved on yet. I know that was for me.

She changed the subject about her results. She didn't know how to check them and thus she asked, I acted like I knew but on the other side, I was asking some friends. I need to keep the conversation going. But it didn't go so well. She ended fast.

I was curious about that tweet. Who else could it be except me? There couldn't be any guy in her life. It must be me. Was she waiting for my call? Did she miss me yet? Couldn't control myself, I had to ask. And the reply hit me hard to the ground......

"Can you stop asking me questions??!! I'm stressed about my results and there you are asking me stupid not important quuest!!"

My Prayers

The anger explodes. I couldn't handle the pressure any longer. Nobody understands cause nobody will even care. They acted like as if they would be there but in fact, nobody was.

"Cursed when he is alive. Blessing when he dies" printed on my right arm. I never regretted doing that. No matter how pain it was, it was worth it. It has this strong meaning that I could relate to.

I have gone through a lot of please let me rest in peace, dear God. Take my soul away, I can't take anymore of this. I choose you to take my soul rather than me hanging myself or jumping off the roof. I don't want anybody to know I'm this depressed. I don't want anybody to feel guilty at what they've done to me. I just want to go in peace.

Tell me.

"If you're reading this, I miss everything about you."

Tell me how to be cool when the one you love wants to be alone. Tell me how to be cool whenever you tried your very best to talk things out, she doesn't want to hear it. Tell me how to be cool when you can't do anything to change their mind. I don't want to give up. I'm not going to.

Tunnel Vision

They say count sheep if you can't sleep. I tried every way to get my brain to stop functioning for a few hours. Popped a few pills to make me a lil drowsy. I had to wait for a few hours to feel the effect. I though could sleep in peace. It didn't work though.

I almost fainted during my VOC test. Some kind of army obstacles that you have to go through in this 2 years. My vision was blurred. All I could see was just a small circle in front of me and the sides of it were just totally blurred out. I pushed myself. I've been labeled a weakling in this unit. UNTIL WHEN THIS STOPS?!! I can't stop. I need to carry on. I need to fight this thing. Living in suffer, yeap I am.

SO this is the day I make the move. Tying to get her back again. I miss everything about her. I just can't get the fact that I didn't make any impact in her life like how she did. She refuses to calm down and admit her mistakes. Her ego is as big as a dinosaur. But this time, I couldn't tell its ego or not. I did my best, everything that I could. Yes it hurts real bad. I need to keep my head up high.

"Don't give up on the one you love"

Life.

I'm different now. I'm different from any other guys out there. I was raised differently. I don't hang around with friends yknow. I don't mix well with friends either. I don't have a life. I'm the guy who you thinks I'm attention seeking idiotic worthless guy. Well at least I deserve some attention.

I grew up with books, pencil, papers, dictionaries, encyclopedia. I don't go to playgrounds and have fun with other kids down the block. My life was simple. Study and have good grades. I have to compete with the other cousins or mine. I don't have a childhood enough said. At least some of you have those family bonding. The only time when I get to watch tv was when hi-5, Power Ranger and Batman was on. Weekends I rarely watch tv. My childhood has no cartoons. Dad didn't like them. I was controlled until I'm used to being alone. I do have friends in school but no close ones. I went back home straight after school. Homework, homework, study. That's all. I was raised this way. That was primary school.

Entering teenage life, yet again controlled. I was forced to take a school which is far from my primary school friends. Dad said my friends are not good for me. It wasn't hard living without friends around. Shit, I was used to it. So that's how I learnt not to mix with anyone. I learnt to be independent. But to think about it, it sucks yknow. I don't have a social life, I don't know what is life. Honestly, life in school was so much hell. Bullied cause I was too kind, too nice. Nobody knows the real me. All they did was calling me names. So I "changed" to blend in. I tried making friends. I survived those battles. I only made friends that I could talk to and laugh in school.

Sometimes I wonder why mom and dad raised me this way. Raised me differently from my brother.

If you could, save me from this misery.

Unsolved.

So here I am again. If anyone reading this is wondering why do I always blog about all of this, its cause I have nobody to talk to. Everyone judge. Yes, I take it personally. I'm not an average guy you see walking down the road (I wish I am though). I'm sensitive. Same level as a girl (maybe lower). Sometimes it gets me thinking whether was I raised up by my parents this way. I need someone to understand my situation. I just need someone. Don't just come and go like others do. I need a listening ear. I need someone who I can trust.

I don't want anyone to think negatively about anything. Like for an example, if I share my problems with my friends, they'd go, "Dan, you deserve better" or "It won't last" or worst, "Its better if you move on". Those words makes me think that nobody likes who I love. I want people to stop judging and just listen to what problems I have. Is that too much to ask for?

Things went out of hands. To say, history is about to repeat itself. How does it feel like to love someone more than life itself but that person just gave up on you? Hurts doesn't it? We both make mistakes and I admit my part. But its hard when I can't tell her what she did wrong. She has the tendency to take everything in a different way. Then everything would go out of hand. I begged her to stay. I was there, right in front of her trying to convince her to stop her ego. She insisted us to end. They say hug the girl when she pushes you away, kiss her when she's mad. Yes, I did it. Whenever I try to kiss or hug her, she pushed me away. I tried my very best. All I could do was just forcefully pull her close for a kiss and I walked away. Never looking back. I don't want her to see the pain.

 Don't judge her in any way cause I know she didn't mean it. She can't think straight when she's angry. That's the way she is.

The thing is she gave her contact to a guy who wants to get to know her. Why? I can't understand it either. Now I have no idea if she's still contacting with that idiot. I have no control over it. Things are gonna change to how it was again. Its beyond my control. I really want this to last. We've planned for the future. This may sound like those immature kids thinking about marriage at a young age but hell no. I am serious

Life Has Been Amazing.... NOT!

So I'm back to blogger. Realized that I have nobody else to turn to, nobody else I can share my problems with. Not even one soul is there for me when i needed them. Friends? I don't have them honestly. Lost a lot of school friends. Maybe its cause of my fucking attitude. But its unfair that everyone has at least a friend to turn to, a bestfriend. Or maybe I was born to be alone.

Parents have issues again. The same kind years ago. That year when I had one of the most important exams in my life. Mom has been complaining to me about it. I choose not to listen cause it really affects my mood, behavior. But it doesn't stop. Its hard.

"Girlfriend". I thought she'd care like how i do. Love me like how I do. 3 years is long enough for anyone to know how faithful and loyal I am. Yes, she's the same girl that I'm talking about. Nur Erna Kuzirah binte Azman. For 3 years I haven't been able to fall for an other. It feels weird to be with another. So I watched her from far. Seeing her with other guys hurts but I know she's happy. It always breaks apart of me and I know I had to let go. But I choose not to. Every single day I had to do something to get her back. I made so much effort but she chose him over me. Too little too late, I know. The amazing thing that happen was when she said she misses me. And just like that I accepted her back. It was so easy of me to accept the pain that she caused me. It wasn't the first time that this happens but the third. Tell me where can you find someone so attached like me? Was she grateful enough that I love her this much? No.

Its tough being me. Everyone has their own problems but I'd rather change lives with those living in Africa.

I Need You

I realised that I'm not proving to you that I love you. So this is what I'm gonna do.

I am not letting you go this easy. Hell no. You've been a part of my daily life. Everywhere I go, everything I do reminds me of you. Every single moment that you're not here, I feel something missing. What makes me think that I can forget you? What makes me thing that I can let you go that easy? What makes you think you can move on with your life without me? What makes you think they can stop us from loving each other?

I'm going to prove to you that everything's gonna change. You want the old me. I want the old you too. So let's start afresh. Since you're having national exams next month, I'll stop my shit. I'll be the old self that you want. I still have so much plan to do with you. I need you to stay.

Don't worry about those girls out there. I don't see any of them like how I look at you. You're the most beautiful I've seen. You're still the bucuk-but-wangi girl that I love to smell. You're still beautiful when you just woke up with your messy hair. You're still the sexiest when you sleep. Most important, you're the only woman that I love with all my heart.

I just don't want any 'cinta 3 segi' if we're back together. It makes much more complicated in the future. I really need you to understand this. BUT if I'm wasting my time, tell me.

I don't want you to make the wrong decision for leaving me again. I need another chance to prove to you that I'm worth it.

ps. I love you. I trust you but I'm still a little paranoid that he'll fall for you.

Its Officially Over, I Hope Not.

So its has been a roller coaster ride of the both of us. But its now all over for us. Its sad to end it this way. How much I hold on to you, all those pain I felt. All that times just went down the drain.

When its at the top, it feels like we're really on top. Laughing our ass off and stuff. The truth is I feel different with you when you're happy. Yes, its nice to see you smiling widely. But there's something that hit me hard and I always covered my tears away. "Mak kau giler", punching me, cursing and swearing. It has always makes me feel I'm like him.

Maybe this is why I treated you different lately. I'm trying my best to throw that habit away. I really want this to last. Maybe you too change in someways. You have more friends now. Its not like how we used to. We used to have time for each other. Yknow, we used to meet at any day, any time cause it was just us against the world. Sadly, it has changed.

I was wrong for saying I've got something on with another. I just wanted to ignore and see if you really think I'm like other guys. It was just a normal couple fight. You cried and told your friends that I cheated. Now they believe that and they hated me for hurting you. They didn't know that sometimes, in fact everytime I'm hurt by your actions. They know nothing.

There's this guy who wants you to stop getting hurt. He's trying to change your lifestyle. I shouldn't have fight for you cause it got much worst. I should have let you go. Let you be happy. I'm really a burden to you, that's what your friends think. I can't have hopes that we'll be back together cause your friends don't like it and you're listening to what they say.

Give him a chance. He can treat you right. I love you and will always do. #FG

Life's Cruelty II

This has got to stop. Bullying.

It has come to a certain point that I had enough of people stepping on my head. I've been tolerating this since I was a kid. My parents controlled my life till I was at the age of 15. I was kept out from the wild. I lived under the rock. Not knowing the people around me, how they behave, what kind of people are there. They just made me study my ass every single day. All my life was just books. So I was outdated about teenage life. I hated school cause everyday, there's always this person who made me his slave. Following everywhere he went, scared the shit out of me. None knew about this until today I let this out. Everybody in school called me "Dan Kental". Even that name was on everyone's contact list.

I tried to blend in. Thinking that I would get respect if I were more cooler. And luckily it did. The bullying stops. But the thought of me being "kental" was still there cause I was different. I'm sensitive, weak, too kind.

Till this day, I'm still "kental" in everyone's eyes. I was too kind to everyone. Did their favour, once I had enough, tried to stood for my rights, everyone pissed off, I became sensitive and then I was weak. So standing for my rights didn't do any favour for me.

For an instant, today. Me and her argued on twitter. Yes, I do admit I'm spamming's everyone's timeline. Then there's this guy getting all pissed off cause he's irritated. So I tweeted, "You're welcome to unfollow, that goes out to everybody". Its so simple, just click the unfollow button but he became all pissed off at me, wanna act as if he want's to beat me up. So I gave him my address, came down and talk. But I was too weak to win him. I didn't let out everything. Kept quiet and lost.

These are some of the reasons why I like to be alone. So I don't feel left out. This is my life. Always sad deep down.

Life's Cruelty

Yes, I am back. Cause there's no other way I could express my feelings to. I tried on twitter, but failed. I felt everyone's irritated with my tweets. And yes, eventhough you say "My tweet, my say", there's still people who'll get annoyed. Tumblr on the other hand. I can't express how exactly I feel. Tumblr is where I show my needs. What I want in life, mostly what kind of girls I do want. I'm not an asshole. I just want her to know that being skinny isn't a problem cause I really like skinny girls.

So, there's no way I really could tell my shits to. I've got nobody to rely on. No shoulders to lean on. Cause I can't trust anyone yet. I tried to have friends, treated them special. But I didn't get the same treatment. I felt lonely. I felt I was nobody to everyone, that includes my family.

Parents don't even know their son. They didn't know how I feel. Every time when I'm home, I'll be in my bed. Bottling up my problems, my feelings, my tears. They'll be watching TV with their favourite son and I'll be in my room talking to myself.

I had a girl who I loved all my heart out. After almost 2 years knowing each other, she left me last year for another guy. My world crushed. She was all I had. She went around with another guy while I'm in my room crying my heart out for months. The pain was unbearable. Till one night I told myself that its time to move on.

There she was, after 7 months waiting, she came back. And I open my heart for her. How could I forgot all the pain that she caused? I told myself, everybody makes a mistake and needs a second chance.

2 months later.

I was back to being alone. Nobody was beside me, not even her. Too busy with studies and friends while I'm here hoping to meet her everyday after work. No matter how tired I was, she's still my number 1. Things happen and it was over. She assumed that I had another. She made a fuss at twitter. And I was blamed for that. Because of this, I lost a lot of friends.

I realised everyone has this one person to talk to. I was born to be alone. Just like my dad. Perfect.

Tagboard Updates.

There will be some tagboards confusion. I copied blogger's tagboard to my tumblr. I'm lazy to make a new tagboard. Sorry. Anyways, here's my tumblr. Kesian krg.

FASHISON.TUMBLR.COM

Goodbye!

I would like to thank blogger for the 2 years of posting memorable stuffs. Its been awhile since I last update cause I'm bored of blogger. I took almost 1hour to read back all the archives. Memorable. I was a jerk last time. I know I am. People make mistakes, so I did. I hurt people and I'm sorry I made your life miserable. I smiled and laugh at the past. Simply hilarious.

I'm moving on to tumblr now. So pandaipandai carik aku. But I'm still active at facebook, twitter. About this blog, I won't delelte it till end of this year. Maybe?

So goodbye everyone!

My Bad

I should have warn her earlier, before we got together. I'm no good in relationships. I'm just doing things that I had always wanted to do for someone that I really cherish most. Spent times with only you to Bukit Gombak, Clark Quay, Orchard, Bugis. Eating deep fried mars bars. The one you always craving for. Am I good enough for you? If no, I'm sorry.

Every mistakes I did, I'll say sorry. I'm not the guys that you had been in relationships with. Its very hard for me to say sorry to you. Trust me, its hard. Don't ever say 'Stop saying sorry'.

Your studies are important. The reason why I keep on asking you to study is because I don't you to follow my footsteps. Trust me, its hard when you get out of secondary life. I keep enforcing you on your maths. Why? I want you to take your O's. You have no choice but to pass your maths. I see something in you for the pass few weeks. You can do it. Believe in yourself. Why give up?

Few more days and its adik's birthday, then its gonna be Valentines' Day. For the first time, I'm doing this. Celebrate your sister's birthday. I can't wait to surprise her. And you're gonna be my first date to Valentines'. So please, tell me what's on your mind. Stop keeping things.

Happy 4th Month!

Happy 4th month baby! Wow, its fast. Well, abit slow for me uh. 4 month down, 8 more to go. Keep going strong. Thanks for the advise, thanks for caring, thanks for loving, thanks for everything. You showed me what's the meaning of love. You're the best. I LOVE YOU!


I'll blog more later on.

I Miss The Old Us

If you're reading this, please don't be mad. All I asked was just a day for the two of us. Just one day spending time together. Getting far away from studies, especially your art. All I wanted was us to be happy. When you told me that your love is fading, I'm scared and I'm doing my very best to keep you from leaving. But you seemed to be irritated, angry, moody with me whenever we talk.

What happen to us?

When was the last time we spent time together? It was at West Coast Park. That was months ago. I missed that. I miss you saying 'I love you' every minute to my ear.

Every word you say hurts me now. Change please. I love you.

Gosh, I'm Bored.

She says she loves me and will never stop. (:

Busy Busy Week.

Sorry for the lack of interest in blogging anymore. Twitter came up to my mind suddenly. I do have Twit account but I think I forgot my password. It was a long time ago since I last update my Twit. I think I'll carry on Twitting and blogging.

School has been great. But I hate the 1 hour break. Trust me, you don't have any idea what to do. After eating (which takes about 20!), we got nothing else to do. Smoke in canteen only takes less than 5 minutes. There's this one day, teacher released us freaking early, we had 2 HOURS OF BREAK!  Like WTF uh. I  hate long breaks man, seriously.

I quit working long time ago. Sorry if I didn't post about it. 2 words can describe the manager, FUCKED UP.  Treating people like one dogs. You're a manager, so what? That doesn't mean you can just slack around looking at me doing stuff, that doesn't mean you don't have the humanity to help the old folks. And ohh, I heard about you and the supervisor. You lied to me. I just can't take the fact that you lied. You told me that he has other girls in his mind, then why he sound you? Then your reason for breaking up is that you're busy/tired? Every word you told me is a lie. I called it sweet-talking.

Relationship is getting better. We fought under the rain. It was hilarious. We were like shooting for the next big film for Hollywood lar. But it was stupid of me, I was at fault. Sorry. I will never forget that day... cause she left a mark at my right arm. (: Fighting is not the end, it helps the relationship to be strong. She taught me that. Baby, 3 more days!! 3 more days!! I love you so much!

I Need Fast Cash.

I don't have notes for my Electronics class. Everyone has it and I've not gotten any cause I have yet to pay $30 for it. I need fast cash. So I planned to sell away one of my items at home. Its an Adidas shoe. I wore it once to skate but it was too tight for me. So I left it in my room. Its hard for me to study in class without any notes. Without any notes, I won't have to right attitude to study anymore. So please, if you want it or you know anybody who wants it, do tag me. I'll call you. Don't worry about meet ups. I'm planning to sell it at $80. Can negotiate.

Black/White.
Size; 9
(no wear-outs)