I Can't Do It, I Just Can't.

Eventhough I've got Butterfly right back in my arms. I just can't do it. I can't fall in love. I just can't be in love. I'm too confuse right now. My mind is still thinking of her, my heart is still loving her. You should know who's her.

I just found out how my life is. Sometimes up, sometimes down. Like what Nadd says, I can even write a story about my life. It will be a great story. Very interesting cause it will include family problems, cheated by the same girl twice, loving two girls at the same time, breaking someone's heart, heartbroken by someone. Interesting right? Oh well, I'm too lazy to write about it. But I'm writing about something else. Yes Heamen, I'll complete it as soon as I can. Ok?

I'm too lazy to blog about today. I did met Butterfly. Not meeting her tomorrow, Friday and Saturday. Bye. I'll love her like I had never loved someone before.

Your Love Is All I Need.

I met Butterfly today/yesterday. I was waiting for Butterfly at around 9am at Clementi control station. For the love and for the work, I woke up early. The interview was at 2pm, but I just want to send her to work. I saw Butterfly and her mom. My mother-in-law to be? Still long way to go lah. I didn't recognise her cause she didn't wear the scarf that she always wears when I met her.

Went to Clementi's Mcd for breakfast. She wants to treat me but I just took the $2 meal. Not good to spend on other's money. Took 285 to Pandan Loop. The workplace was (no comment). Sent them and went to grandma's house to sleep.

Woke up at 1.35pm. I decide to cancel out the interview cause I don't think its the right time for me to work. I've to soccer training to attend every Monday and Friday without fail. I'm doing whatever it takes for GESS B'Division soccer boys to get through the semi-finals. I know its a big step, a big dream but I have faith with the boys. As a vice-captain, I must have faith. What's the captain doing? Where are you? Anyways, onward GESSians!

I went to Haqiz house to get my iPod cable and update on my music list. Finally, my iPod is working again. Glad to have it back to live. Then went back to grandma's house to wait for the time to pick up Butterfly from work.

Reached there around 5.30+pm. Waited, waited and waited. Finally saw her glum, tired face out of the building. She was shocked to see me, eventhough I've told her that I'm picking her up. From that glum, tired face I saw, it turns to a red, happy face. She can't stop laughing when she sees me, that's what she says. Crazy people. Lepak at her place till night? I don't know what time was that. But I knew I spent plenty time with her. And we can't stop laughing and smiling till tears came out. Tears of joy eh sayangku, bukan bende lain tau.

Sending Butterfly to work again tmr. Meeting at her house! (:

--
Kau bagaikan udara
Yang membantu aku untuk terus hidup di atas dunia
Tanpamu ku lemah
Pasti aku tak perdaya
Kerna kau mahakarya cinta

Those Three Words Still Can't Come Out.

8 years of knowing you, 5 years of admiring you.

Two simply great, wonderful days. Yesterday and today. 21st and 22nd of december 2008. I finally got to see my old friend, my old crush. Without this friend of mine, Hajar, I don't know where to find her. For 8 years of knowing each other and 5 years of admiring her, I finally made my first move. For that 5 years of admiring her or loving her, I had never spoke those three words that I could easily said it to anyone.

We had lost contact for almost 2 years. But still that name of hers were still fresh in my heart. We had gone through lots of shits. Family problems, love problems and much more. To me, all those stupid problems would be gone when she's around me. Her presence would conquer all of it, step it, as if they had never happen. Maybe I couldn't find the right one to be my soulmate cause you were the one? Maybe all of the relationships I had were never to last long cause we were suppose to be together and last till forever?

Almost 2 years we lost contact, she really changed. From the bad girl to good girl. Lets say, Bad girl gone good. Her english was power! There's this slang in it, as if she's from the States. She never had lots of piercings anymore. The rest didn't change. Still love it this way. Her looks doesn't matter but her heart does.

Her name is 'Butterfly'. I gave her name randomly cause I don't want anybody to know. But two from the outside world has seen her, Heamenjit Singh and Jessie Lam. Goddamn it you two. Why Jurong Point? Watch at other places lah, alamak. All I know Heamen's gonna start his crap when he came online.

I thank you, Hajar, for bringing her back to me. Bringing her back to my life. Sincerely I said thank you.

Today/yesterday, 22nd of December. I was suppose to go for an interview that Butterfly told me about. Her mom wants people to work. Butterfly wants me to work with her so I took it. Was suppose to be there around 2pm. But I forgot about the soccer match between GESS and OSS. So I had to cancel the interview.

We won. Score? I don't know. All I know, we scored alot. And for the first time, I didn't score during the match. Mr Lim said I was the Man-Of-The-Match cause I worked really hard. Played Centre Midfield for the first time and I didn't really felt much tired. Stamina was good. I guess its because I'm cutting down on my ciggs? Happy? Happy ah! Man-Of-The-Match yknow! How good can I get?

After the match, I checked my phone. 3 missed calls from Butterfly. So I called back. She said she wants to go out, she invited me but I didn't picked up the phone. She said she's meeting Hajar at Fontier Library, so I followed. Hajar was mad cause we were late. Sorry babe! My fault. Hajar went back home, me and Butterfly went Jurong Point to eat. I only got $2+ and I thought of eating at Banquet but it was full of people. So we went to Mcd. Halfway while we were eating, guess who I saw? Heamen and Jessie. My mouth dropped, the Milo that I was holding almost slipped through my hands. I didn't expect anyone that I knew to be here, at Jurong. I guess Singapore's too small.

Sent Butterfly to her house which is located at Commonwealth. I was from Tiong to Jurong, then Jurong to Commonwealth. I was tired but she took it. I didn't felt pain or tired when she's around me. No joke. Inside the lift, I gave her a goodnight kiss. For the first time in 8 years, I gave her that kiss. Never I had the intention of doing it but it just happen. She went quite. As the door closed, she looked at me and said, 'I felt like not going home'. Maybe she thinking of staying with me tonight but I can't. With family problems I'm facing, it's not a good time to bring her home. One day, she will.

Should the love in me for her grows or should it just stay this way. Nadia! I need help!

Can I be in 2020?

I got to know about them. I've got ways. It was all silence when I read it. Blaming myself for what had happen made me feel better. I really did a stupid mistake. Or maybe not? But I know she's the best there is but I left her. Why? Because I fall with some girl who can't stop telling me sweet words and I fall for that. Everything has changed since I did that stupid mistake.

I wished I could fastforward time. I want to see who's riding on my bike behind me, who's holding my hands, who's sleeping on my bed. I just can't wait for the future. Start a new life with the one I love.

Its 1.30am right now. I can't sleep. I'm missing Fatima suddenly. I don't know if she does. Everyone's asking me to move on, forget about Tyqa. I can move on but can't forget about her. So I did my thing, I've move on. But I'm scared. Scared that I'll get hurt once again.

Currently chatting with Nadia online. Told her I was listening to Misteri Jam 12. Then she tried listening it online. She was so excited because of it. But she got to listen to it 3mins later then me. Then there's this song KC edited from 'Ini Satu Kisah - Aliff Aziz' to 'Ini Kisah MJ12'. Kekek giler oi! I like the part where the cik pon started singing. Hahaha, craps.

I'm off now. To bed, duhh. Nights everyone!

I Want iPod Nano!

I want that shit right there! I want pink! No, I want red! No, I want black! I think pink is hot. No, red is much hotter. I want it! I was shopping online and I looked at the price. $125? True or not true, that thing is in my wish list.

Its been just few days I knew Fatima Chaudhry binte Chaudhry Tarik Mehmod (finally, I got her name right! donut baby! just one, please!) and my tagboard is so damn lively. We're just friends lah people. She's attached and I'm not. So even if I'm not owned by anybody in this world, I can't just steal someone's love. Very bad, yknow. If there's more to us, then that's good. But I'm telling you, we are friends.

I owe Siti Nadia binte Amran a paragraph about her. So here goes.

You're the bestest-friend I ever had. You know when I said that, I truely mean it. Not like other people saying that they're someone's bestfriend but end up with some other friends. You're the first person in my head. According to order; you, my girlf/love/chick (if I have one), my friends, my cousins. You'll always be the first one even if I have a some pretty lady as my girlf.

Still remembered the day before I went off to Batam for CIP trip? That day when you called me and started to cry on the phone because of what your family did. Haha, I didn't expect you to call me first sia. That time you had to memorise my number cause you didn't had hp that time.

Still remembered that letter? The one you wanted to read but I threw it away? Yes, that was for you. I can't remember what I wrote. But I know there's 3 words in it. You know, I know. Luckily, I've threw it away. I don't know what would happen to us if you had read it. Paisey worr. I was scared you'll ignore me when you read it. That's why I threw it away.

And I thank you for still being my friend when I did something bad. Something that really made you furious about me. Yes, I realised that I did a mistake, a big mistake. Leaving her for some girl. I know she's the best girlf I've ever had. I guess I was stupid. I was stupid but not now.

Everything has changed, yknow. But my love for you as a friend, will never change. It will never be more or less. It will still be the same. I love you, bestest-friend. In my heart, you lay.

Single Life Is Interesting

I went for soccer training today but I didn't train. I just came just to watch and manage them. I gave a stupid reason for not training cause my boots was still wet due to last minute washing. I felt like managing the team than playing for the team. GESS soccer team sucks and needs someone good to manage them. So I thought of steping up to it but Izham didn't want me too. He needs a striker like me. Hah! GESS very own Fernando Torres.

I went with Izham to Izdi's house. They're going out to town with this cute girl named, Fatimah Chaodri binte Chaodri Tarik Mehmod. Imah, betul tak name? Kalau betul, nak donut! Haha. Met Fatimah at Clementi MRT station. She's super cute! (tak mau kembang eh, please.) As we walked to the busstop, I was at the back with Izham. I can't stop smiling sia. I could even tell that my face was really red at that time. We boared the bus to town. At first, Izham sat with me while Izdi and Fatimah sat together. Suddenly they changed place. Fatimah and Izham switched places. Then I was like shock for awhile, I didn't know what to do. I wasn't ready to talk at that time. So I just kept quite, took out my earpiece and kept it. Sign of respect! Then she started a conversation first. Friendly kid. After awhile she wanted to listen to my hp, so I gave her the earpiece and we listened all the way to Orchard. It seems like she loves the song 'Kasih Mengapa - Rauzan feat Urban Senstation'.

*skipped the part at orchard

We decided to go to Raffles City. So we waited at the busstop. Due to Izham's lack of cash to take public transport, Fatimah had to use her cash to buy food and 55cents from the balance would be given to him. In the bus, she sat next to me again. Same song! Kiwek, boleh jelak sia.

*skipped the part. on the way back to clementi

She sat next to me again. Same song! Now that song reminds me of her. That song is stuck in my head. Took pics in the bus. Kecoh sia. Then Nadia called, asked me where was I. Told her that I was at Clementi and asked her along. I fetched her from Clementi MRT station. Introduce to her Izdi and Fatimah. Of course she knew Izham, same school. (duhh!)

Lepak-ed at Clementi till around 8.30pm. Kecoh like siao! Izdi and Fatimah keeps going to the other end to talk private stuff. Real private stuff. I just can't stop throwing tissue papers at Fatimah, and Izham can't stop looking and smiling at me. I know I'm hot stuff but I'm not into boys k. Everybody left around 8.30pm. Fatimah, Izdi and Izham went home. Me and Nadia went to Jurong East Popular to buy her school books. We walked around while waiting to collect her book. She treated me chocolate waffle! Thank you adik!

That was it for today. I had a great time! Meeting someone new and it really makes my day. And I'm trying my very best to help her. She was suppose to be treated nicer and I'm here to save her. (haha, macam paham siol aku.)

Here's the pics!

What's The Problem With Love?

'In life, you got to have love. For love, you will live happily ever after.'

I don't understand girls. Seriously, when I gave all I had to someone. Shit always happens. Its been 2 times it happen to me in this teenage love life. There's this one girl who had poured all of her trust and love to me but I took advantage of it. Like how my ex did it to me.

The feeling of taking advantage of it is great, fun but deep down in your heart, you know you've lost someone who you can last very long with and you never know how long it could be. And with that love, you'll be happy, happy for life.

To you, I seemed like a fool. But I'm not. I'm not stupid to fall in that trap. The trap that could make me cry in bed for days and nights. Crying as if I am losing a piece of my body.

Pictures doesn't not mean a thing. That pictures I'd uploaded in friendster, facebook, myspace and blogger doesn't mean a thing. My friends and even families said me and Tyqa looked cute together. But does cute means we were suppose to be together? The answer is no.

I guess now its not the right time for us. We're not meant to be together right now but in future, I hope we are. I will still want you to be part of my life. I have to move on now. But remember this, eventhough I'm with someone that doesn't mean I don't love and I don't care about you. You will always be in my heart, forever and ever.

Yes, I finally agreed to what people say. Teenage love is just a test for us. To test if we can make it when we're married and have kids. And I failed.