She was a friend of mine, a bestfriend, a close friend, and definitely my ex-girlfriend. We have gone through alot. Ups and downs. We've been there for each other. Just a phone call away, and it felt like there's a shoulder to lean on when we're down. But today, I felt like shit. I wasn't there for her when she need me, when she needed a shoulder to cry on, my shirt to wipe the tears off her cheeks. I felt like a failure.
Met her in the morning. She talked to me about her bedridden grandfather who can't be helped by the educated doctors in Singapore. His life then turns to God's hands. I told her that I'll pray for him.
Everything when fine, as per normal, until after recess/break. I received a text message from her saying that grandfather just past away and his body is on the way back to Pioneer. She went there alone, crying her heart out. Yes, I know I was needed. So I called her in class. My eyes started to become watery as soon as she picked up the phone. I could feel the pain that is going through her heart. I told her to be strong when I too need to be strong.
I thought of witnessing the funeral while I stand close to her. What if Rudi was there witnessing the funeral too? I'm having a conflict with him because of baby. So I thought to myself, I don't want any trouble. And I have to back off before anything happens during the funeral. I send her a text message saying that I wanted to be there with her, but I can't. She replied, "Its okay. I understand. I don't want two of you fighting". So, I didn't go but I told her that I'll pray to God to have him safe 'up' there.
I went straight to baby's house. I was quiet all the way. I kept thinking, am I doing the right thing? Am I suppose to enjoy when my bestfriend is feeling down, misery? I know I was in the wrong. I kept it to myself. I lied to baby that I'm going home straight but I went to meet Izham at Clementi.
From Tiong Bahru to Dover, then to pondok's bus stop, tears kept rolling down my cheeks. I simply could not resist these tears. I guess the pipe is loose. Many people saw the tears. Saw Izham, sitting at the railing. He looked at me and started asking why tears were rolling down. I told him everything.
I send a text message to people that I'm close with. They told me that its too late to regret it. I have to regret what I had done. Because when I needed help, she was always there for me. But this time, she needed me but I wasn't there. I'm really disappointed with myself. I'm still crying for the fact that I was useless. Hopefully, she's fine with me by tomorrow.
From God we came, To God we return.
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